How to Accept That You Are Gay

This article was co-authored by Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC. Deb Schneider is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in Oakland, CA, and a Program Manager for the Weiland Health Initiative at Stanford University. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in creating safe spaces, respectful of marginalized identities, at the high school and college levels. Deb holds a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology and Women's Studies from Clark University and a Master of Social Work (MSW) with Health Concentration from the University of California, Berkeley School of Social Welfare.

There are 7 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

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If you are LGBTQ but struggle with accepting that fact, here is a guide to help you. You have found out your sexual orientation, and you are perfectly normal. Accepting who you are - and being proud of who you are - in the next step on the road to coming out of the closet, and eventually to having a successful relationship. Some people have difficulty accepting their sexual orientation, either because of personal or societal discomfort or pressure. Most people in the LGBTQ+ community know from experience that accepting your sexuality will lead to your becoming a happier, more open person.

In this guide, the term gay has been used to include all forms of non-heterosexual attraction, whether that be people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer, pansexual, or otherwise not straight.

Finding Yourself

Know if you are gay. Sometimes people question their sexuality. There are many degrees of sexual and romantic orientation along a spectrum. [1] X Expert Source

• If you feel that you don't fit, or you can't understand why you aren't like other people in your life because you are different, remember that you are you, and not anyone else; and that being yourself and accepting yourself for the person that you are is something to be immensely proud of.
• Consider taking an online sexuality quiz, like this one, to see if identifying as gay feels right for you.

Remember that you didn't choose to be attracted to members of the same sex. Attempts to change your orientation are usually painful and pointless in the end. When talking with heterosexual friends or family members, it's sometimes tough to help them understand this, because they have no frame of reference for your experience. Try to encourage others to see your sexual orientation in the same way as they see your eye color - it is something you were born with and did not choose. It is something that is simply a part of your being, and not something you can change. Or want to or should! [3] X Research source

There isn't any need to change yourself - being gay is just another way of simply existing, and there is nothing wrong with it at all. Neither is there anything wrong with you for being gay. [4] X Expert Source

• Some people in the world believe that sexual orientation is a choice. If you feel that you indeed made a choice, you should feel comfortable with that choice. Everyone has their battles and choices to make, and the norms of societies may not necessarily be normal for you.

• Tell yourself: "I am a person with feelings and intellect and life, just like everyone else. I am unique and individual, and no one has the right to choose my life for me. The fact that I am gay is just another facet of who I am, just as being creative, or optimistic, or having brown eyes is. I may not be like many of my friends, but I choose to live my life authentically and happily. It's my life, and I choose to be happy."

• You do not need to fit into the gay community just as much as you don't need to fit into the straight community. These are arbitrary social constructs. Are boys inherently about football and burping? No. Society has told them that that's okay. In 100 years, "gay" will be an entirely different concept. Don't pressure yourself to fit in one way or another.
• Be genuine with yourself so you know your values. Knowing what you value will help you choose what’s important to you rather than what society thinks is important. Brainstorm and write down what you value.

Dealing with Others

• Treatments to "change" sexual orientation that was common in the 1960s and 1970s were very damaging to those patients who underwent them and affected no change in their sexual orientation.
• In fact, conversion therapy is slowly getting banned across the US. Homosexuality is not viewed as an illness and in short, it won't be treated as such. [6] X Research source

Remember that you are not alone. There are many, many gay people in all sorts of communities, and there are many people there for you when you need support. There may be agencies, groups, advisers, family members, and friends that you can turn to, even if it is just someone to inform of your feelings. Talking to someone during this difficult time will be incredibly helpful and ground you in realizing millions of others are going through the same thing. [7] X Expert Source

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker Expert Interview. 2 April 2021. [8] X Research source

• Find a group or a hangout where you feel comfortable, and where there will be other gay people to talk with. Make some new friends, and by doing so, you will establish a new network of supportive and encouraging people around you. Your energy will help them too!
• Look for online groups to join, such as The Tribe. Start anonymous if you feel uncomfortable discussing your sexuality. [9] X Research source
• Read up on other queer people who came before you. Imagine yourself being able to support future young queer folks who come into your life. [10] X Expert Source

Consider telling your family. Hopefully, you live in an environment where your family loves you just as you are. If you have a person you are particularly close with, pull them aside and talk to them. Let them know what you're going through. They'll help you form an attack plan on informing everyone and transitioning as smoothly as possible.

If your family would not accept you, it's best to find a mentor that can help you. Do you know anyone who's struggled with this same thing? They'll be able to point you in the right direction and be a sounding board for this time. Talking about it, being able to lean on someone, will be a great resource for your overall happiness and sense of strength. [11] X Expert Source

• Don't come out to a particular person if it doesn't feel right to you. This is a good rule to follow in general - there could be many reasons why, but if it doesn't "feel right" then it is probably not the right time to come out to that person. The time to tell them maybe later, or never. What is most important is that you come out to yourself. Once you are at ease with your sexual orientation and have a healthy self-image, the when and how of coming out often fall into place naturally

• Getting angry will only fuel their fire. To beat them at their own game, you need to stay level-headed, logical, and reasonable. Showing that their actions get to you will only make them happier. If you can't muster forgiveness, muster indifference. They're not even on your radar. You'll feel so much better in the long run!

• If you were raised in an environment that frowns on homosexuality, you are not worth any less. The laws in the Bible were mainly for health purposes - shunning homosexuality is right next to not getting tattoos, not eating pork, and not wearing mixed linens, but you can bet your bottom dollar all your neighbors do those things. Know that how you were raised is just cultural-specific. You are still you and you are good. If you'd like to morph your religious beliefs you're more than welcome to, but you don't have to. Take your time.